What I Learned About Control, Perfectionism, and Kindness on My Self-Love Journey

I’m going to talk about something today that I don’t normally share—because I want you to learn from my mistakes.

In 2013, I experienced a complete ego death. The foundation of my self-worth crumbled, and I had no choice but to rebuild. It was painful, raw, and transformative. And in the process, I learned some of the biggest lessons about self-love, control, and perfectionism—lessons I wish I had known sooner.

When Perfectionism Fails You

For most of my life, I believed that my value was tied to how well I could meet others’ needs while making mine as small as possible. I prided myself on being the person who made everyone feel seen, heard, and supported—without fail. I kept my struggles quiet, my emotions tucked away, and my expectations for myself impossibly high.

But eventually, that weight became unbearable. When I could no longer suppress my own needs, the relationships around me started to crumble. I had built a life around making myself small so others could feel bigger, and when I stopped doing that, I realized how fragile those relationships actually were.

Suddenly, I wasn’t just grieving lost friendships—I was grieving the identity I had built. My self-concept, rooted in perfectionism and control, had shattered. And all that was left was me, standing in the wreckage, wondering where to go next.

The Emotional Baggage We Carry

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my relationship with myself had been built on resentment.

I was angry at myself for not being "strong enough" to keep going the way I was. I was ashamed for not realizing the flaws in my thinking sooner. I was full of regret for all the years I had spent twisting myself into knots to be "enough" for others.

That emotional baggage wasn’t just affecting me internally—it was leaking into my relationships, my interactions, my ability to feel joy. And no amount of bubble baths, self-help books, or walks in nature could fix it.

At the height of the self-care movement, I tried all the classic self-love remedies. And while they provided temporary comfort, they didn’t heal the root of the issue. I needed something deeper.

The Moment It Clicked

I don't know exactly when or how it happened, but at some point, I realized this:

Self-love isn’t about treating yourself like a project to fix. It’s about treating yourself like a best friend.

The kind of best friend who holds you accountable but never belittles you.
The kind of best friend who encourages you to grow but never demands perfection.
The kind of best friend who forgives, supports, and loves you unconditionally.

It sounds simple, but after years of being my own worst critic, it took months of practice to rewire my thinking. I had to intentionally chip away at the iceberg of self-judgment and control—one act of self-forgiveness at a time.

And something incredible happened.

As I started showing myself more grace, I became more compassionate toward others. The love I was reclaiming for myself naturally spilled into my relationships—not from a place of fear or obligation, but from a place of abundance.

As I released the need to control myself, I let go of the expectations I had placed on others, too.

The Truth About Control and Kindness

Here’s something I’ve learned: Letting go of control internally changes how you show up externally.

That’s why the most judgmental people are often the ones who judge themselves the most harshly. That’s why hurt people hurt people.

For so long, I thought I was a kind person because I acted kind. I avoided being overly critical, I didn’t voice judgments, and I tried to be flexible.

But deep down, my kindness had limits—because my relationship with myself had limits.

There was a ceiling to how much empathy I could offer others because I hadn’t learned to extend that same empathy to myself. There was a cap on my ability to truly let go of control, because I was still holding myself to impossible standards.

The Takeaway: How to Start Practicing Real Self-Love

So, is self-love always the answer? Maybe.

Here’s what I know for sure: If you’re struggling with feelings of inadequacy, shame, or frustration with yourself, try this—

Talk to yourself like you would your very best friend.
Support her. Hug her. Tell her she did her best, and that’s enough.
Then do it again. And again.

Let things be without assigning a label to everything. Let yourself exist without trying to control every detail.

You might be surprised how much your life transforms as a result. 🤍